DEAR ME.

Bailey Hannoch

Dear Me,

It’s I.  I hope this letter finds you well.  Though I fear all is not.  It’s been several years since you and I have spoken, and its with sorrow and fear that I write this missive. Though some might argue our estrangement has roots long before 3 years ago, I can’t deny that more recent struggles have led us to a point where we barely, if ever, speak. And that’s hard to accept.

I’ve chosen to write a letter in hopes that you won’t just dismiss what I have to say out of hand. That I might implore you to hear me one last time before our relationship is destroyed once and for all.  Our shared history has taught me that when I try to bring things to your attention directly, you’ll either ignore me, tell me to shut it, or outright accuse me of being misinformed or idiotic. In response I blamed myself and wondered if I was in error. However, based on personal experience, I remember that I’ve been right far more than I’ve been wrong. So, I believe I deserve a little credit. 

Over time, I decided that if you weren’t going to listen, I would just be silent for the sake of our relationship. I’d make excuses because I knew you were hungry for something I wasn’t giving you or believed you needed. But things have changed and I’m seriously worried for your well being.  I simply request that If our relationship holds any degree of value, you will take the time to read and consider what I’m saying before going on the defense. I’m not trying to hurt you or dismiss your concerns. I will always listen, but I may not always agree. If we are to rebuild trust, there has to be some reciprocity in the dialog, and a renewed respect for what I too bring to the table. This is a note pleading for restoration of what we once had. So please take the time to read and don’t just rip it up. If at the end, it doesn’t fit for you, I’ll respect your choice to move on without me in your life.

There were periods when I believed you and I were the best of friends. Inseparable in fact. And although we often times didn’t see eye to eye, we were able to manage and move on. I didn’t agree with many of your choices, but knew intrinsically that sometimes you have to let someone you’re close with figure it out the hard way. And hoping, you would discover through time, that I was worth listening to.

 As years progressed, and life’s challenges became ever more apparent, it seems as though you got scared. Maybe even terrified. So much so that you stopped creating, growing and taking risks. You forgot to trust yourself. That if you listened to me, I would come between you and your new “friends”. That I would interfere with your global sense of security and safety. That you would end up alone and meaningless, without a mirror to confirm your worth or your value. This is of course speculation, but I have known you my whole life.

Ultimately, it seems you decided the constant feedback from your new “friends” would sustain you indefinitely. And at the very least, distract you from uncomfortable emotions and inconvenient realities. But I don’t believe that has materialized quite the way you had hoped. In fact, it seems it’s made you lonelier, angrier, and unfortunately more hostile and desperate than ever. And after all those promises made by your new pals.  That if you just agree with them, you will be in the right. The “good person”. And then you will always be safe, loved and respected by the tribe. Your new most important identity.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous per se.  Just a little bitter. Alas, you’ve become the very thing you claim to despise in others. Not willing to admit that you may be wrong, or even misled by a multitude of powerful sharks pretending to be dolphins.  Too ashamed to admit that you’ve abandoned me in favor of an illusion that promised salvation against the scariest thing of all- the unknown.

I can’t help but think that if you had just listened to me, you would have discovered long ago it would never be enough. That ultimately you would need more and more attention, admiration, distraction, confirmation, and false power to believe you were safe from the things you couldn’t see, or were told and convinced were a danger to your wellbeing. You lost faith in your own spirit and in me. And that hurts.

Your insistence on being right and righteous per someone else’s definition led you away from wisdom and deeper into the arms of those who care little for you or your future. Arms that embrace tighter and tighter insisting on fidelity to a narrative, and obedience without question. Arms simultaneously threatening to push you away if you listen to yourself, or me, for that matter. The constant threat of public humiliation and ridicule tantamount to abandonment, has driven a wedge between us. Your new “friends” don’t like me very much. I can’t say I blame them.

After all, they know full well that if we stay tight, they can’t win and remain hampered in accomplishing and profiting from their own agenda.  These so-called friends, have such a burning hatred for me that they will do practically anything to sabotage our relationship.

I can hear you now. “Don’t be ridiculous” you say. Exasperated and angsty. Clamoring for me to explain what on Earth I’m talking about. “Who are these new friends?” you snarl. And in further rebuke I can hear you bellowing at me, “shut up I can think for myself” “they love me and think I’m great. They confirm everything I’ve ever wanted to believe about how empathic and virtuous I am. They see me”. “They validate my frustrations, my rage, my powerlessness and they’ve told me who is responsible for all of my pain”. They claim with crystal like clarity as to who the oppressors are. Without question.  “I need them and more importantly, they need me”.

“If I listen to you, all I’m gonna get is loneliness”.

 I worry that in your vulnerability to being lonely, and fear of being ostracized, you have abandoned yourself. I don’t think this is good for your health.

So let me tell you if you’re still willing to listen.  These “friends” many of whom have forsaken their own deepest voice, want desperately to have others see and accept reality as they do. They hunger for control and power. As a means to an end in the absence of a well-formed solid core identity. Some of these friends are mere distractions such as video games, drugs, alcohol, sex. They are news media, social media, TV, cliques, corporations, mega corporations, teachers/professors, spouses, partners, school peers and in short anyone who might look at you and scream “blasphemy!” for the perceived disobedient and apparently seditious act of saying the word- “no”. The word is “no”. Or, “No thank you. I can think for myself”. These “friends” discourage critical thought and maintain an intense disdain for those who ask questions and wish to see the unbiased, conflict free data.

And real friends might not like the word “no”. But they will accept it. Real friends will leave room for you to think for yourself and at times disagree. They have enough trust in themselves that they don’t need you to affirm their reality or identity thus allowing for a constructive dialog. Even if there are some hurt feelings, they don’t threaten abandonment and orchestrate public smear campaigns to coerce you into conformity with their brand of ideological superiority. Real friends don’t see you as an existential threat because you have different values, principles, and establish clear boundaries. They don’t insist on you sacrificing your individuality (which many strive to confuse with malignant narcissism) to accommodate their own need for safety. 

Your true friends won’t demand you see the world in black and white absent nuance. Or insist you’re a morally dubious person, or lack empathy, because you set limits and don’t immediately jump on board with what they deem the most important issue. It does not mean you don’t care or are unwilling to assist in a cause. And lastly, they understand that strong individuals, make strong communities. And strong communities make for a far safer and productive world than the one in which we presently reside. These are the people who listen to the deepest part of themselves, they accept ALL their emotions, and don’t live in a world of knee jerk reactivity.

I am a real friend. I cherish what we had. And I’m going to say the things you don’t want to hear but maybe need to. You’re going to be mad at me and that’s okay. Id rather that, than you being mad at yourself in perpetuity. I can live with your anger. But I’m not convinced you can. I want what’s best for us both and remain ever hopeful that we can work things out. I’m the friend who’s looking out for your best interests and trying to protect you when you won’t. I am loyal even though you have dismissed my insights. I’m the thing trying to make the world inside and outside a better place. My mission is to better your understanding of who you truly are, without any mirror issuing some arbitrary assessment and evaluation of your identity in which so many need to have you categorized. I miss you and want you back in my life. What happened to us?

Warm Regards,

Your Intuition