Self Love?
Nary a day goes by that I’ don’t hear the oft toted mantra “you just need to love yourself” or “I just need to love myself”. What does that mean? Self Love? Truth be told, I think it’s a great concept, albeit steeped in ambiguity- and I find, more often than not, in my own experience, when I ask someone what that means to them-the retort is “you know- you just have to love yourself more”. Problem solved.
Don’t get me wrong. Love is a many splendored thing as the adage goes. And healing sustainably boils down to baby steps. Lets start with eradicating at least a modicum of self loathing in which many are firmly ensconced, and you may in fact run into something along the lines of self acceptance. And if love is your jam- great, and in the context of psychotherapy and healing, I think a person gets more bang for the buck with self-acceptance over self love any day. And for the picky amongst you, we could say that acceptance is love. Self-acceptance is not about whom you do, what you do, or how well you do them (or it). Its about being who you are, which is a difficult thing to accomplish if the goal is to acquire as much narcissistic supply as one can possibly stomach, all ostensibly to avoid feelings of invisibility or emptiness.
One question I will never ask a client is “why they feel what they feel”. I don’t believe it’s half as important as a client identifying, expressing, and finding ways to attend to the emotion. And besides, just as readily as a person could explain why they feel a certain way, they could just as easily dismiss the emotion out of sheer discomfort or it’s inconvenient nature as it may lead towards potential conflict both intra-psychic and interpersonal. It sets up a precarious precedent. And too many will work hand over fist to ignore or invalidate themselves instead of learning to just cope with the emotion itself. Do this long enough and emotions compound over the years forming sedimentary layer after layer until they appear a veritable cliff. A daunting challenge to even the most skilled climber, in such a way, that the only recourse is to rely on an equally fossilized construct of how the rest of the world needs to see us.
Acceptance? On any given day, I see individuals remarkably skilled at invalidating themselves. These are “the should-ers” who’s oft unwitting mission it seems is to corral themselves into ideas of who they should be, relative to another’s expectations and subsequent acceptance-versus their own. These are the kids and adults stalwartly insisting tacitly and not so tacitly that any identity is essentially wrapped around the perceptions others have of them. Boom. That’s it. And, not shockingly, a great many consistently see themselves as falling short of the mark, encountering panic attacks, generalized anxiety, and depression as an unpleasant result. And the list goes on. This is what happens when the storyline of how you should be gets wobbly. (E.G. I only have a 4.3 GPA. I should have a 4.8= faulty mythological narrative= Panic attack= life or death reaction=wash, rinse, repeat). It’s a funky algebra at play, making any gains on self-actualization ever more elusive.
The problem as I’ve seen it, is that many don’t experience themselves as lovable in the absence of a suitable mirror. And by mirror, I mean an external variable that not only validates the job well done and offers copious amounts of admiration- but also ensures safety, and secure attachment as the reward. Nothing facilitates existential frustration like telling someone to love themselves in the absence of self- acceptance. If you cant feel emotions (but rather self defeating thoughts) out of sheer habit, what’s the likelihood of being able to feel self -love? I’d say the odds aren’t great. And of course, living in a society where assorted mediums in advertising and social media pander to the very notion that a negative perception by anyone, especially those closest to you, is unacceptable and, by inference, puts you on a trajectory with isolation, you have the perfect storm. So what exactly happens?
People stop listening to themselves. Its simply too scary to do so with the stakes so high. And more precisely, Many flat out ignore their emotions for fear that they may be compelled to do something in the form of limit setting or speaking up that puts them on a collision course with those they have come to rely on for a sense of identity or perceived survival. Emotions are elements which are quintessentially non debatable. They are yours and real, and not at all consistently pleasant.
Emotions are inherently illogical, not right or wrong or good or bad. They may be painful, dark and/or light and fluffy. They are the stuff of intuition. But that doesn’t stop us from trying to make sense of them as a means to an end. It is this effort that more often than not leads us to a very personal alienation. And in doing so, we create a narrative (that rarely includes self- acceptance) about who we should be in an attempt to control them- since expression and attendance is believed to be fraught with ominous peril. The consequences of which are a lack of self -acceptance and core identity leading to a vicious cycle, in which we inevitably conclude the only way we are seen is when others see us. In the absence of experiencing or accepting our own emotion, for better or worse, we don’t see “us” or “accept us”, becoming dependent on others for definition and meaning. Clients look at me like I’m batshit (and respond accordingly) when I suggest they do absolutely nothing for 24 hours. It’s as terrifying a prospect for many to be perceived as non- productive sloths as it is to sit with one’s self and allow for the emergence of unwanted emotion sans distraction.
It’s a slippery slope. Or there is only room for a select few emotions, which are somehow more “acceptable” such as sadness. And forget anger! (Which, when attended to appropriately, isn’t about hate and rage, but moving us to get shit done). In fact, ask a client who struggles with major depression or some variant what they do with their anger, and nine times out of ten the response is “I don’t get mad”. Really? (In this instance, I may ask why not). Accept your emotions. You accept you. The love is a bonus. And no, you are not a hateful unloving douche because you feel angry.
So what happened? How did a society such as ours become so exceptionally adept at ignoring the full spectrum emotional self-the being if you will, in favor of external acceptance? Early attachment trauma?, capitalism? The Russians? Jerry Springer? We can only hazard to guess as to the multitude of possible factors. What is clear is that by virtue of not moving into self acceptance (which is not analogous to malignant narcissism) and insisting on self-love when few know what that entails, we are ever more dependent on how we measure up against, or in the eyes of, our peers, cohorts and relatives for our identity. Ending up often times miserable and dissatisfied, we become card carrying members in a beleaguered demographic that will do anything just to stop the pain, instead of realizing our capacity to move through it.
The beauty of knowing you can survive pain and uncertainty, is figuring out you can survive life. Imagine a life where love is no longer a dangerous thing to have because the loss of such will be painful-but not insurmountable. Survival mode gives way to a more robust growth oriented existence where taking risks and chances-and accepting things will fail at times (not making you by definition a failure), is fact. Even if it doesn’t work out as planned. It seems as a society we have a lost a great deal of trust in ourselves to feel, and to that end, to think for ourselves and master the kind of individuality that leads to a strong community.
So what’s a 21st century human to do?
Well first, define emotions away from thought. Find words. Find emojis, find colors or tones. But find something that best illustrates the interior state. And instead of saying I’m pissed, but I shouldn’t be because… “Fill in the blank”. Try “I’m pissed and its okay- even if I logically understand why shit went down.
Say no. Not to be merely awful, but to establish boundaries and limits where most needed. Overextending yourself to keep everyone (or most) happy will not insure your personal safety or security. It may afford temporary reprieve, but those individuals in your life who can’t handle the word no (or accept boundaries) will inevitably find something else with which to beat you over the head.
At the end, you may jump through multiple flaming hoops trying to make people satisfied- only to find that you are increasingly resentful and possibly exhausted. In actuality, you’ll likely find it far easier to say yes (if that sort of thing is important to you) when you have a firm grasp on the word no- or some variation thereof. Remember, if someone is going to reject you, or worse, abandon you because you established a limit or boundary – let ‘em walk. You may be far better off in the end.
Be clear about who you are or forever be wagged around by the projections and expectations of others. Your identity is not up for grabs and cannot be defined by the universe around you. BE you. Believing the only worth you have and love you glean is absolutely synonymous with how much money you have, people you’re dating, games you’re winning, likes on social media etc. will result in a less than optimal outcome. Like perpetual misery.
Just be human. Get away from over-identifying with roles, academic performance and otherwise. Trouble arises when we “fail” at a task or expectation and we can’t differentiate between something that has technically failed- and we as failures by definition. And so many wonder why they have panic attacks over something as mundane as a bad grade. Look at the stakes!
The world will not stop spinning on its axis because you made a mistake or something failed to meet yours or someone else’s expectations. Try your best, own personal responsibility (without shame), and feel the actual emotions relative to the thing that didn’t work out. But for the love of (Insert deity of your choosing here), drop the narrative that you are fundamentally flawed in character and being. Things didn’t work out as planned-it hurts. It sucks. Inventing or contributing to a narrative about how terrible you are (and therefore unlovable and thus worthy of rejection) so you can make sense out of (or control) your emotions will not be helpful in the least.
So What? So what if you didn’t get into that school, get that job, the girl, the guy, the attention, the accolades. Don’t back yourself into a corner with limited options-it’s a total set up. If you’re hell bent on arriving at the same conclusions regarding personal ineptitude (to prove yourself right once again-ergo control), it’s a sure bet a self-fulfilling prophecy will forever unfold.